A Photo of Olhao Street Art - a face with a black eye patch

I have a vice!

I’m not sure I’ve mentioned this before.

I’m not sure that I actually want to own up to it now!

But I have a vice…

Yes – that’s what I said: I have a vice.

It’s not beer, it’s not sex, it’s not drugs – although I’m not averse to the first two. Actually, beer probably IS one of my vices, but we’ll ignore that for now.

So I’ll tell you about this other vice.

What is it? It’s big, bloody furniture!

I just can’t help myself. I just love big furniture.

In my past life, back in the UK, I once had a big house. So I bought big furniture. I then sold the house six weeks later (it’s a long story, which I won’t go into now), but I was left with lots of big pieces of furniture and no house to put it in.

I decided that I had to sell it, but in those days, I used to listen to my Mum.

“You can’t sell it!” she said. “It’s brand new and lovely!”

“So what am I meant to do with it?”

“Put it in storage until you buy another big house!”

So I did – and ten years later, after travelling and working in various places, I eventually bought another house that wasn’t that big, a cottage in a small East Sussex village, Wadhurst: 14th/15th Century, low ceilings, beams, wonky floors… and small rooms.

Ten years of storage and a house that wasn’t big enough for my furniture. The furniture had cost me a bloody fortune and still didn’t fit! I should have sold it!

Sometimes I think that I’m pretty bloody stupid! And yes, I still listen to my Mum sometimes, so maybe I am. But she’s my Mum, and I forgive her…

Anyway, this furniture eventually landed in Portugal with me.

I’d bought the house in Fuseta, so that’s where it had to go.

However, the house still wasn’t big enough, although I quite enjoyed watching the boys from Algarve Removals try and get it through the front door (well, eventually it came through the window…).

To be fair, they did a brilliant job.

But after six months of living with it, it had to go. I loved that furniture, but I knew it was time. I was knocking into it, it was getting in the way, it just didn’t look right.

So I put it on Facebook.

And it was snapped up – by a lovely lady from Beja.

I was almost in tears as it disappeared down the road (mainly because I’d had to take most of the weight whilst shoving it back out through the window!)

But it had gone.

I no longer had big furniture. I was free!

But it just so happened that I was now looking for a sofa.

And then I had a phone call…

It was my mate.

Is he still my mate? I’m not sure after what happened next.

“Have you been to Tavira Discount Warehouse recently?”

No, I hadn’t, in fact never, despite the fact that it was only up the road from Fuseta.

“You’re looking for a sofa aren’t you? There’s one on discount. There are a few marks on it, and a small seam that needs repairing, but I think it’s a bargain.”

“OK,” I said, “I’m happy to go and have a look,” and so I did.

My mate drove. It took about 5 minutes.

How had I not known about this place before?

My mate parked up and we walked in. It was full of furniture, imported from Spain apparently, and all at really reasonable prices. My eyes went wide.

We strolled between tables and beds and sofas, all looked great quality.

And then there it was.

I fell in love immediately. It was the biggest sofa I’d ever seen (well, maybe I exaggerate, but it was big!), bright yellow (I know…) and so inviting. I sat on it. I sank into it. I closed my eyes and relaxed.

Size didn’t come into it, except maybe deep in my subconscious.

I just fell in love. I didn’t think any more than that.

I just asked Steve (the owner) two questions:

“Will those marks come off?”

“Yes, it’s covered in something like Scotchguard. A damp cloth should do it.”

“Can we sort that seam?”

“Yes, there’s a lady in Fuseta. Ten Euros for the repair?”

“Fine!”

I was sold.

And probably bloody stupid. But I bought it: a sofa, the best part of three metres long.

Three bloody metres! It was huge! Had I not learned my lesson?!

The size was MY problem, but what I couldn’t knock was the quality, as well as the mending of the seam and the delivery.

OK, so the boys had a bit of trouble getting it into the house, but they managed it, and once it was in I was happy.

Tavira Discount Warehouse had delivered!

I could sit on it, lie on it, sleep on it, share it with friends (without getting too close!). I just loved it, despite the fact that I could hardly get it through the door because it was so bloody big.

And then?

Then I bought another house so that I would have somewhere to live whilst I did up the first house.

Oh bollocks… you know what that meant…

I had to move the sofa. It couldn’t stay where it was.

Just the thought made me puff out my cheeks – big time!

I’d moved my big English furniture so many times – out of my house in Bristol, between different storage facilities, into my house in Wadhurst, out of my house in Wadhurst. I wasn’t about to make that mistake with this sofa.

So I called Mark from Go Moves.

Poor Bastard.

I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but Mark turned up on time, took it on the chin (with a lot of blood, sweat and tears) and managed to get it to my house in Olhao.

“Phew!” I thought.

Until I saw it in the lounge, stretching from one wall to the other…

“Bollocks…”

Literally from one wall to the other. No space to walk round it.

A fundamental problem I suppose, but I didn’t care. You know me: I love big furniture, and so, for the last 9 months, I’ve had to step over, rather than around, my sofa.

But I wouldn’t have had it any other way!

I just bloody love it. Until this week, when I had to move it back again.

I know I signed up for all this, but even so…

Anyway, I called Mark from Go Moves again.

Fair play to the man! He was up for it!

After some more blood, sweat and tears, there it was: my big, yellow sofa back in Fuseta, sort of blocking the door. But I didn’t care any more, having had to step over it in Olhao for the last nine months!

I’m happy. I’m back in Fuseta with my big yellow sofa.

And I knew it was all worthwhile when, this weekend, a good friend of mine came to visit. I’ve known Stu for nearly forty years, and we made a day of it, watching the rugby, eating too much and drinking too much.

And yes, you’ve guessed it, when we got back to the house, I switched the TV on and we both fell asleep almost immediately – at opposite ends of the sofa.

It’s a great sofa and it’s not just me who loves it! It’s so bloody comfy!

Next time I go to Tavira Discount Warehouse though?

I might just buy a slightly smaller one… same quality, but less effort – hopefully…

And am I still talking to my mate who introduced me to Steve and Tavira Discount Warehouse? Just…

Deep down though, I suppose I owe him – I love my sofa!

“Blinking Flamingos! The musings of a middle-aged bloke living in the Eastern Algarve: one who has no idea what he’s doing…”